I literally wrote - deleted - rewrote - deleted again, the title to this post, all while losing it on my 20-month-old daughter, because she wouldn't make up her mind whether she wanted to wear the much-too-big shirt or not.
Sadly, this isn't the first time I have questioned my mental state after an episode, that, at the moment, seemed completely justified, but immediately after, completely regretful. And, to add more regret to the stack, these moments of losing control are happening more frequently, with increased amounts of crazy.
I mean, seriously. My daughter has barely been on the planet two years. How can someone so small, be the culprit of such insanity?
But, I don't believe this is just the feelings of those of us with "littles". It's not just the feeling of those of you with "bigs". It's uncanny how often I have heard this theme spoken, recently:
We're all going through <fill in the blank>.
After seeing that number, on the scale, in my doctor's office, and swearing to never put another thing in my mouth...ever, I sat across the table from a friend, sharing her recent struggle with insecurity of her self-image, reminded how it is and always will be a battle to put away the negative self-talk.
After the third night in a row, of being up every hour, with each child, at least twice, I found myself in tears, preparing their breakfast, this morning. Moments later, I listened to a different friend share of her family's chaotic week and a resignation that life will slow down and sleep will come....never.
After fumbling with my son's backpack, lunch box, four toy cars and his milk cup, I threw it all down on the car seat, yelling something inaudible to him about being responsible for his own junk. Not ten minutes later, while I was leaving his school's office, I hear a mom tell her son, restricted to a wheelchair, to "go straight to class", while he bravely wheeled himself through the door.
We're all going through.
And, at times, that "through" feels much more than a process, and closer to torture. We know life will take a turn - the season will change, summer break will come, children will sleep through the night - but keeping our minds wrapped around the temporary seems impossible. And, that "think positive" attitude simply isn't kicking it. We're living real life and real life doesn't care about how we feel. It's just real. Life.
I think there's this idea that if I say enough motivating things to myself, I will quit eating food that puts on 10 pounds in 5 months, I will jump out of bed, regardless of the amount of sleep I receive, and the monotony of the every-day duties will cause me to skip, all the way up to the school front door. And, true. Motivating and encouraging yourself is a good step in the direction to freedom from negativity. But, let's be honest. Saying "you can do it", on a morning as this one, would've made me crawl back into bed, rather than get out.
I know that is why there was so much benefit, for me, to see/hear/experience stories, outside of mine. Not to pity those individuals, patting them on the back, while thinking, "I'm so glad my life isn't like yours", but to venture past myself and receive energy from the walk of life we are all jointly experiencing.
We are all tired. We are all busy. We are all stretched thin and to the limit. We all have unmet expectations put upon us. We all miss meetings, play dates, exercise, and showers.
But, we keep moving. We don't quit. We might be dragging ourselves around, resisting the urge to sit down, for fear we might go into a coma...but, we keep going. Forever grateful for the hand holding ours, reminding us, we are not alone.